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The Plans For Earth

And on the first day God unveiled the plans for the Earth and the heavens. “What do you think?”, said the almighty. “Pretty sweet right?”
“I don’t know...” said the investors. “It seems pretty derivative” said one man in an expensive suit. 
“Derivative? No! It’s completely different! Really!” protested God. 
The boardroom exchanged raised eyebrows and shrugs. Someone called for another double espresso. A stern looking woman said “look, God, we think you’re great. Really, we do. But do we really need another planet?”
God ruffled the sheets he had laid out, “no this one is totally different!”.
“Look!” Someone interrupted. “It’s a sphere, it orbits a star, I mean we’ve seen this...am I wrong?” he looked around the room and fetched approving nods. 
“It’s a geoid...” mumbled God. 
“Oh?” said someone encouragingly, “how is that different from a sphere?”
“Well...some parts are kind of flat...” and God sensing the room pulling back started speaking louder “but you have to, see-this one will have life…
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Loneliness and Displacement in South Guyagway - A Travel Novel

Below is an excerpt from my upcoming travel novel. My editor has decided to kindly add notes that he feels will help the writing, but I don’t see it. I’ve left in his comments. They look like this.

LONELINESS AND DISPLACEMENT IN SOUTH GUYAGWAY
By V.S. Naipaul

Hey sorry I got delayed in sending back the notes. I’ll write the notes inline as I read this, but I think I’ll just start with saying that you can’t call yourself V.S. Naipaul. It’s not an homage to V.S. Naipaul, to call yourself V.S. Naipaul. So stick to your actual name.

I stood in the waning sunlight. A thin blanket of rain descended carefully over the thatched huts, tucking itself under the wooden stilts. Everything became the rain, its smell in the red mud, misty fingers in the tired swell of wood. The only things that promised decay was the season, the present and the soul. 

“Why have you come here unnamed narrator?” said Chief Groundnut. The story was that he had been trapped under a landslide for several weeks, encased in the…

How to find your passion

Hello, reader of digests! You return once again with your unceasing whining and alarming premature hair loss. This time you are upset because you want to find your passion. Your days seem inhabited by soul crushing ennui. You stare aimlessly around your place of work, throwing crumpled up pieces of paper into a dustbin like in a Hollywood movie. No one asks you if everything is okay because everyone is like you. If only you had your passion, you whisper into your tub of ice cream, then everything would be okay.
Well have no fear insufferable whiner, because once again I leverage business words synergistically to jump to your rescue. I have not only found my passion, but have even tracked and found other people’s passions (for a small fee). I am most passionate about finding passions. Once passions are found then only can I relax and wipe the beads of sweat off of my brow. “You aren’t getting away this time, passion!” I joke, as I chase passions. My passion laughs as well. We’re at tha…

The Secret Seven - An Unpublished Manuscript

Hi Reader,                 We have managed to recover a manuscript buried beneath the estate of Enid Blyton. There has been much debate about the condition that it was found in and why it was necessary to bury it. Close scientific scrutiny shows that several attempts were made to destroy it, but remarkably, none on the attempts were successful.
Attached is a digital copy of that manuscript for your enjoyment. It does not appear to have been proofread, so it is probably prudent to keep that in mind. 


Kanan Gill
(Book Unearthing Society and Trust)
P.S. We were warned not to digitise the copy by a old blind woman that appeared at our doorstep. She claimed that it was an evil text, or something preposterous to that effect. However we are people of science and have no time for these silly claims. Still, in the process of digitisation, the main power and all back up power went off six consecutive times. I was finally able to upload this from my cellphone, inside a church.
The Secret Seven - Many …